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'Orace's Hair ©Martin Pickering 1995 Two up, two down with a netty, Was the house I was born in up north With a sister whose first name were Betty An' a mother who looked like an 'orse   Me brother came home Sunday morning All covered in muck an' quite wet It appeared he'd been strolling up t' towpath and jumped in t' canal for a bet   Me father was unsympathetic And gev him a clout round the ear While mother ran into the kitchen Then came back with a cloth and some beer   'This is just what the doctor ordered" She said with a glance at his boots "To bring you up all clean and tidy And get t' oily brown muck off that suit"   But father cried "nay it be wasted Whats wrong wi' a brush and some soap Let me look after the bottle While you fetch the bath and some rope"   Well 'Orace (yes that's what we called 'im) He stood on the carpet and dripped And mother, with some reservations brought the items while dad sat and sipped   "Tie the rope round 'is ankles and 'ang 'im From the 'ook in that beam over there An' I'll slide the bath underneath 'im While you 'old 'im up by 'is 'air"   "It's gravity that makes the job easy" Said me father from inside his glass "When it comes to the science of cleaning You've got me at the top of the class"   (Now not many people would know this 'Cos me dad wouldn't boast of his feats But he won first prize last November For his prowess at sweeping the streets)   "Mix t' soap in t' bucket of water And pour it down inside 'is leg So it washes the muck down 'is body And drips off the top of 'is 'ead"   Well, me mam looked at him really coldly As if he'd gone utterly mad "And what about 'Orace's 'aircut? It'll spoil and that's really quite sad"   So she bandaged his head in some muslin Adding wax with some polish as well But poor 'Orace was starting to suffer - His face was quite red - I could tell   Now my sister (you remember, Betty) Came downstairs at this point in time And she carried him out to the netty And the flush helped remove all the grime   But the truth of the matter is really He was worse than before he had gone And his hair when they took off the muslin Was quite short - in fact now he had none! Copyright ©2006 SatCure Updated April 14, 2006 This file may be downloaded for private and personal use but NO part of it may be published in any form without the prior permission of the author.